The Winter Rose--My Testimony

One day, while sitting in my M.I.L.'s kitchen the Lord inspired me to write this story which is part of my personal testimony. I hope it touches someone's heart out there as it did mine the day the Lord helped me write it. 
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The snow falls gently upon the ground, covering all life with a blanket of cold. It is lonely here, beneath the snow. The cold causes my wounds to ache. A deep sigh wells within the deepest parts of my being. It has been so long since I felt the Son upon my face. So long since there were roses among my leaves and thorns. Now there are only leaves and thorns. The gentleness of my tears only hints at the secret pain in my heart. I used to be so beautiful. Now when I catch sight of my reflection I only see ugliness and pain.

I hear a voice every now and again, calling my name, but I can not answer. Despair has silenced my voice. Loneliness my only companion. Still, the voice is compelling and I weep at the truths that seem for someone else but not for me. How the voice can call my name and whisper such things is beyond me. I have a right to my pain and my anger. I cannot let it go, will not give it to the one who speaks to my heart.

Anger is my only comfort now. Unforgiveness solace in the times my heart will not let me forget what was done to me. Bitterness I swallow as though it were a pleasant drink.

I was once beautiful and now I have no place among the other rose bushes that bloom continually, their fragrance like salt upon my wounds.

The memories come again and I let them flood over me as my anger rises into bitterness and then hatred, threatening to consume me. The edges of my memories are fuzzy but the center of them is my only possession of value. I clutch at my memories holding them close as a mother her child.

One day, there were hands, cold and insistent. Pain. Fear. Confusion. What was happening? Soon, my buds were opened,their beauty strewn on the cold ground. Innocence bare to the light of day. Knowledge of the world coming too soon. There have been no buds, no blossoms, no roses to give in offering to the Son who shines upon me ever since that day. Only the evidence of this offense strewn at my feet., Once my innocence, now the ashes of my shame....~

The voice speaks in my heart again. Something is different this time. Through my pain I understand what I could not before.

"Child, there will be roses again if you would but give me your pain. This shame is not yours. My heart weeps for you and my compassion swells within me."

It is the voice of the Lord. Has it been Him all along who has been speaking to me, asking me to trust Him? "Lord, but look at my shame scattered upon the ground. I have no beauty left to give you." The tears begin again and I begin to lose myself in the pain.

"Child, I can not help you if you will not trust me with your pain. I made man with a free will and my mercies would not allow me to interfere. I can only ask."

"Lord, why did this happen to me? I cried unto Him whose compassion reached out to me. "Why did you not stop this? Why do you not punish the one who bruised my soul and devoured my innocence?

"Child, I would that none should perish. I am no respecter of persons and will not interfere with the free will of man until I have exhausted every means of turning their hearts unto me. But let me take your pain and heal it. Let me break from you the bonds that keep you from blooming. Let me wash and cleanse you so that you can receive my love that will turn your ashes into beauty. Let me turn what the enemy meant for evil and use it for good."

Anger welled up within me. "Lord, good? What good can come of this?" I demanded this with an anger that was growing and feeding upon itself and upon me.

"Child, If you will accept me as your savior I will take the bruised petals at your feet and plant them with my words in your heart. And when you have begun to forgive, then you will begin to bloom again and I will be able to use you according to my will."

"Lord, how can I forgive the one who shamed me?" My heart began to soften as I said this. I wanted to bloom again so badly.

"Child, if you will let me, I will help you."

"Lord", I said tearfully, "Will you come into my heart and cause me to bloom again. I want to forgive, Lord, I do. But I can not do it on my own. Will you help me?" Something was happening. My heart was beginning to soften as I spoke. Suddenly, I began to speak words that shocked me, "Not only do I want to forgive Lord, but I want to be able to love the one who hurt me", at every word I could feel the snow on my leaves begin to melt. " Lord, not only love but also pray for the one who shamed me", My tears no longer held the poison of bitterness but the gift of healing. "Help me to learn to pray blessings upon the hands who stole my innocence."

"Child, I know thy heart and as the truth is there so am I. You are no longer bound by your anger and unforgiveness. Reach your branches up toward the light of the Son."

I gasped as I did as my Lord bid me. I felt light and free and my tears were now tears of joy. I looked at my branches and saw for the first time new buds growing and before my eyes they opened and blossomed. A sweet fragrance enveloped me such as I had never experienced before. The wind blew soft and held the promise of the first spring rain. Drops began to fall upon my branches which cleansed and refreshed my soul. It was no longer winter in my heart but the glorious first moments of spring.

"Thank you Lord, thank you"

"Child, I would have done this for you long ago but you would not let me. Now you can complete my will for you and what was done to destroy you has been turned over. You will now go and minister to others who are like you were. You will help them to find my truth and through my truth healing and freedom."

"I will Lord"

As I said this He smiled and turned to go. As He was walking away He said, "There is still work to do my daughter, many things I wish to teach you. There are still things you need to give over to me but I will help you and strengthen you as you obey me. I love you child."

Those words were music to my soul. He loved me. It was all that mattered. I cannot believe I held on to my hurts and anger so very long. I could have had beauty for my ashes from the beginning if only I had trusted the Lord and given over my will for His. I spoke softly with thanksgiving in my heart, “I love you too Lord."